


I Am Not Nothing

by TheStoryVerse



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abusive Deceit, Abusive Relationships, Anxiety, Gaslighting, Multi, Nothing serious though, Past Abuse, Remy - mentioned, Verbal abuse - mentioned, Virgil-centric, attempted anxceit (Virgil ixnays it), logan will protect and defend his friends to the ends of the world, mentions of yelling as a means of control, minor unwanted physical contact, past abusive (brief) roceit, patton and emile are the sweetest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 06:00:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16402634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheStoryVerse/pseuds/TheStoryVerse
Summary: He’s such a great guy. They smiled.You’re so lucky.Virgil didn’t feel lucky, but maybe that was just his anxiety.





	I Am Not Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> My Family Studies class talked about abuse in relationships today. I needed a way to cope with the memories and emotions it drug up, so I wrote this. It’s told from Virgil's perspective and is exactly what happened to me.  
> It’s exactly what happened to me (even the texts), but from Virgil’s perspective. 
> 
>  
> 
> The italics are to show texts Virgil receives, and there's one bit of dialogue at the beginning that's actually taking place at a future date, so that's in italics to emphasize the different timeline

He’s such a great guy. They smiled.

You’re so lucky.

Virgil didn’t feel lucky, but maybe that was just his anxiety.

Virgil knew Dorian was a great guy. All of Dorian’s friends had told Virgil how wonderful he was. Dorian was the kindest person they knew, they swore. And he was charming as well.

They were right, of course. Dorian wasn’t so bad. Sure, he kept trying to initiate all kinds of physical contact that Virgil was uncomfortable with. But, it was so small. Inconsequential. Just hands caressing his hips or trying to hold his. A jovial hip check here and there, tossed in with a winning smile. A kiss on the cheek that burned...

_Remy cackled at him. “Oh my gosh, you let him kiss you on the cheek? Dang, girl! I can’t believe you let him get away with it!”_

_Virgil laughed too. It really was funny, so why did he want to cry?_

They’d only known each other two days by that point. The attempts at contact were frequent, but small. It didn’t matter. ~~It mattered to him~~.

They went on one date. It was only day 3 of knowing each other. Virgil managed to pull enough strings with tight smiles and frantic texting to turn it into a group date. He breathed a sigh of relief that he didn’t have to be alone with Dorian. Which was ridiculous. Dorian was great. Not that anyone would believe otherwise. It was just his anxiety.

The next day, Virgil quietly pulled Dorian aside and told him that he was uncomfortable with a lot of his advances. They’d known each other only four days, Virgil pointed out. He didn’t know if he even liked Dorian yet, and Virgil was skittish, anxious.

Dorian smiled and nodded, hands gentle on Virgil’s arms; Virgil’s skin crawled. He agreed with Virgil; said of course, he was always willing to take it slow for Virgil’s sake. He liked Virgil so much. After all, he’d never felt this way with anyone else. Virgil was like a star to him. Brilliant and wonderful; Dorian was sure meeting Virgil wasn’t chance. After all, Virgil’s presence made his depression and suicidal tendencies better, more easily managed. He even forgot about his abusive father when he was with Virgil. He’d do anything to make him comfortable. He couldn’t bear to lose him. Dorian spoke seriously, sincerity coloring every declaration.

His words made Virgil’s stomach roil. No, it was fine. Dorian had promised to back off a bit. It was just his anxiety. The thought brought Virgil some relief, but it couldn’t unwind the knot in his stomach.

A few days later, Dorian had once again wheedled Virgil into coming over to his house. He was telling Virgil about all the things he was planning for them to do next semester. That was three months from now. It was only day 8. He wanted to kiss Virgil. Virgil was sure Dorian was going to tell him that he loved him. Virgil dodged the kiss with a glare, cut him off, and left.

On day 11, Virgil took Dorian to a class presentation. To say Virgil was nervous was an understatement. He felt if someone he knew was there, he’d be less anxious. Maybe he’d actually make it through the 15 minutes without puking on stage.

Dorian jumped at the chance to be there for Virgil, promising to cook for him in celebration of him surviving the presentation. Virgil prayed Dorian wouldn’t do anything dramatic like bring flowers.

Dorian arrived sometime after Virgil, sans flowers or any other gifts. Thank goodness.

While chatting with one of the directors about when he went on, Virgil saw one of the guys from his class briefly introduce himself to Dorian, shaking his hand. Logan, Virgil realized. Virgil had never spoken to Logan outside of group projects, but he’d always felt comfortable in the other man’s presence. Seemed he approved of Dorian. That was good. Wasn’t it? Logan was a good judge of character. Dorian was fine. Virgil was fine. Virgil felt relieved. His reservations really were just a manifestation of his anxiety. It was all in his head.

Virgil’s presentation was in the first set. The sickness that twisted his gut was just nerves from the presentation. That was all.

Surprisingly, to Virgil at least, he did really well. His legs shook like jello as he collapsed in the seat next to Dorian while the students politely applauded. Dorian praised him, and Virgil gave him a shaky smile.

They continued to sit next to each other for the second set of presentations. The first one had barely started when Virgil felt his phone buzz.

Virgil pulled it out of his hoodie pocket and glanced at it.

_How do you know that guy you’re with?_

He frowned. It was an unknown number. But, the text had to be from a classmate. His classmates were the only ones who had his number outside of his friends because of the class roster for group projects and presentations. And if the person was texting him, they must know Virgil well enough to think it was okay.

Virgil glanced up with a frown and saw Dorian looking at his phone from the corner of his eye, body leaning just into Virgil’s space. Virgil decided to respond, but kept the text light-hearted. Dorian was reading them over his shoulder, after all.

We met at a social dance. Why?

_Don’t let him see my next text, okay?_

Fear jolted through Virgil. He plastered a smile on for Dorian then looked back at the lecture, subtly angling his phone away from Dorian. It took a moment, but Dorian smiled back at him and returned his own gaze to the stage.

_This man has been previously engaged three consecutive times. He ruins lives and breaks hearts wherever he goes. My best friend was his most recent fiance. Their engagement ended only a month ago._

Virgil’s blood went cold. He knew the messenger wasn’t lying. Dorian had already admitted to two previous engagements. First it was just one engagement, then it was two. Of course there was a third. His hands shook.

Who is this?

_Logan._

Oh. _Oh._ Virgil glanced up, searching the crowd. He saw Logan next to the aisle in the first row. He was completely composed, no phone in Virgil’s immediate line of sight, and no indication that he was doing anything other than listening intently to the presentations. But Virgil could see a tense line to his shoulders, and while Virgil could see one hand, he couldn’t see the other. He could tell something was off. Anxiety was his specialty after all.

He looked down when his phone flashed again.

_I panicked when I saw him with you. You’re a good guy, Virgil. You’re the only tolerable debater in this class, and I consider you a friend. I wasn’t sure if it was the same man, that’s why I introduced myself. I had to be sure, but it is him. He’ll recognize me soon enough. Don’t let him know I talked to you, or he’ll go from 0-100, as Roman would say, fast._

What do you mean?

_He has a violent temper._

Virgil sucked in a shaky breath. All those bad vibes he’d been getting from Dorian, they suddenly made sense. Dorian, who enjoyed showing and telling Virgil about the handgun he always carried around with him with that half smirk on his face. Dorian, whose stories and information were true, but colored on the edges with hidden lies. Dorian, who pushed Virgil’s boundaries and was always trying to coax empathy from him. Virgil wasn’t crazy. He breathed a small laugh. It wasn’t just his anxiety. Logan had just confirmed it. Finally, finally someone else saw what Virgil did. He was right. Virgil was right. All that manipulation, all those white lies, all of the times Dorian had smiled at Virgil and said, ‘I know you don’t like it, but-’ followed by some declaration of attachment or love or ready-made plans for their future. The fear that Dorian inspired in him in the flash of his eyes in some moments when they were alone. Logan’s text was the last push Virgil needed. He had to cut Dorian off.

What else do you know? What do I do?

_I have to go; I don’t want to make him suspicious. I’m putting you in contact with Emile, my friend and an old roommate of his latest fiancee. If that’s okay with you?_

Yeah, it’s okay.

_Here’s his number: 811-555-4312. I’ve given him yours. I apologize for getting involved in your affairs, but I couldn’t just sit back and watch him do to you what he’s done to my friends. I am sincerely sorry if I have upset you in any manner by being so forward._

Virgil couldn’t bite back his smile, or the tears that welled up in his eyes. He felt lighter than he had in weeks. Not only had Logan reached out to him, but he’d asked what Virgil wanted, listened to him, and apologized for the possibility of overstepping. He took several deep breaths and urged the tears back. He didn’t want Dorian to see there was anything wrong.

You haven’t upset me, Logan. Thank you.

_My pleasure._

~

Virgil didn’t receive another text until after the presentations ended, as he was leaving for home with Dorian. Another unknown number, but this time Virgil knew what to expect.

_This is Emile, Logan’s friend. He told me what happened. Can we meet up?_

Virgil paused in his walking to respond. Dorian stopped ahead of Virgil and frowned at him. Virgil waved him off saying he'd gotten a text from Patton. Dorian nodded and relaxed with a supportive smile.

Yeah. I’m spending time with Dorian once we get back to the apartments, though. I’ll figure out a way to kick him out early. When is a good time for you?

_I can meet on campus at 5 or 6._

Let’s go with 5. The earlier the better.

_I’ll be waiting by the Rec. Center._

K. See you at 5.

Virgil dodged through the crowd of students and sped up to join Dorian. Virgil smiled at him, calling him to go. Dorian laughed and led Virgil out of the room and down the sidewalk. They talked all the way to Virgil’s apartment and swapped jokes and stories as Dorian started on frying the meat. They horsed round in the kitchen for a bit, with bolder touches along Virgil’s side and arms and playful hip checks from Dorian. Dorian told him how nice it was to cook for someone like this; he hoped he’d get to do nice things for Virgil more often in the future. Virgil smiled tightly.

Virgil sat at the piano, smiling and nodding along with Dorian's story about his woodworking class. He pulled his phone out when Dorian's back was turned and shot a text to Patton.

I need you to call me at 4:30 on the dot demanding to talk to me and saying that I promised to spend the evening with you. I'll explain later.

_Okay :D_

An immediate response, no questions asked from his best friend. Oh my gosh, Virgil loved Patton. Had he ever mentioned how much he loved Patton? Cause he freaking loves Patton.

Virgil tried to calm his breathing. Just 2 more hours. He put his phone away and got up to join Dorian. He could do this.

~

Patton called right on time. Loudly and adamantly demanding Virgil’s attention and whining about Virgil being late to see him. Dorian looked reluctant to leave, but conceded that Virgil had told him about his agreement with Patton just after they got to the apartment. He left with a ready smile and a promise to text Virgil more that night. Virgil couldn’t close the door fast enough.

He was early to meet Emile. He was practically buzzing with nerves, a swirling mix of anxiety and hope sending him out to the Rec. Center almost as soon as Dorian left. He paced back and forth in front of the white steps that led to the doorway, chewing on his nails as he waited for 15, then 20 minutes.

Finally, he saw a man hurrying towards him with a smile. He was wearing a soft gray polo and a pink tie. The man waved and stopped in front of Virgil, introducing himself and asking if Virgil was the man Logan had told him about.

Virgil sagged in relief and thanked Emile for coming to meet him.

Emile waved him off. It wasn’t a problem. Anything to keep someone else from becoming another one of Dorian’s victims. Virgil shuddered.

Emile gestured forward and the two began to walk around the campus, talking about Dorian. Virgil was amazed. They’d been talking for only a few minutes, but Virgil felt at ease with this odd man who bounced along next to him in a way he never had with Dorian. It was nice; refreshing.

Emile sighed and absentmindedly touched his tie, the mood sobering some. He asked Virgil what Dorian had told him and done to him. Virgil recounted the past 11 days in detail. Emile listened intently, nodding along and asking questions here and there. Virgil had to pause a few times at an annoyed hiss or angry outburst from Emile, usually followed by Emile contradicting a lie that Dorian had told Virgil. Once he was finished, they walked in silence for a stretch.

Emile seemed to be thinking carefully about what he wanted to say. Finally he turned to Virgil and adjusted his glasses, eyes serious. He told Virgil to listen, that he wasn’t going to give him any hearsay or advice at the moment, just the facts. He was only going to tell Virgil what he specifically saw and heard.

Virgil didn’t know how much he needed to hear that until Emile had said it. He’s spent the past week and a half feeling tossed about and confused, not knowing who or what to believe. Emile was just going to give Virgil facts about what he personally witnessed. That knowledge meant more to Virgil than he could say.

Emile then started on his version of the story. As he listened, Virgil felt his gut sink.

Dorian had recently been engaged to a vibrant, young theater major named Roman. And by recently, Emile meant a month before Dorian started pursuing Virgil. His pursuit of Roman had started only two weeks after his second engagement had ended. And the second partner was around a month or two after his first engagement was broken off.

Virgil was stunned into silence. Two weeks?? And just one month? Dorian had even lied about how he met the man he’d previously dated (apparently Roman), been _engaged_ to actually, which he failed to mention.

Virgil learned that Dorian had started out treating Roman much like he had been treating Virgil. Flirting, showering compliments, always showing up for things and treating Roman to homemade food and invitations to different events. A few touches and kisses here and there, which escalated suddenly once the two of them were official. Emile was scowling now, saying Dorian was constantly pushing physical contact and affection beyond what Roman had expressed he was comfortable with so early into dating.

Roman was energetic, colorful, and had a zeal for life to rival the brightest of men. Roman’s self-worth though, rarely matched his smile. Dorian had zeroed in on that immediately and ate away at it until Roman was wrapped around his finger. Much to the shock and dismay of Emile, Logan, and Roman’s family, Roman had agreed to an engagement after only months of dating.

Virgil’s head reeled and his pace slowed, Emile slowing down to match him, but he continued telling Virgil Roman’s story.

More than once, Emile had come home to find them arguing loudly in the kitchen, or had found his studies and sleep disrupted by Dorian raging at Roman for some small disagreement. Dorian had sent nasty emails to Roman’s parents and siblings, emails Emile had seen himself, in an effort to alienate them and ostracize Roman. He had constantly screamed Roman down, telling him that his family didn’t have his best interests at heart. That his family was trying to break their engagement because they didn’t trust Roman and didn’t want him to be happy with Dorian. Roman’s family were the ones that were controlling him. Dorian just wanted Roman to be free from them and from the other chains in his life because he loved him.

Emile sucked in a breath then, stopping in his tracks. Virgil halted next to him, fighting the urge to be sick at everything he’d heard so far, blinking back the tears in his eyes.

The worst part was that no matter how crazy it all seemed, Virgil believed it. He’d seen and heard enough from Dorian himself to piece together the truth in what Emile was telling him. If it weren’t for Logan, Virgil might have been caught in the same trap, swept along by his anxiety and unsurety. Virgil’s body shook. He pressed his hands deep into his pockets and closed his eyes, breathing deeply through his nose.

Emile seemed weighed down then, as he continued. It had been so hard for Logan and him to watch Roman’s health decline. Their friend had tears in his eyes more often than not, and had started experiencing wild mood swings that greatly interfered with his performances and schoolwork.

Emile had kept Logan in the loop about what was happening. They were so worried about Roman, and Logan had tried to talk sense into him more than once. But, months of manipulation had taken its toll. A pang lanced through Virgil. He knew how that felt.

Emile sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. It had taken so long to convince him, but finally they had succeeded. Roman broke off the engagement and left.

The experience wrecked Roman. He had had to take a semester off of college to go home to try and deal with everything that had happened and to keep as far from Dorian as he could.

Roman was back up at school now, and after doing therapy was much better. He still had trust issues, but Emile and Logan were pleased to see him smiling again.

By the time Emile finished talking, the sun had sunk over the horizon. After everything he’d heard, Virgil was convinced that he needed to get away from Dorian either that night or the next day. Virgil asked Emile what he thought.

End it now, Emile told him. End it and don’t give him any leeway in the conversation to contact you again. Cut him off, completely.

Virgil nodded and thanked Emile over and over again. Emile laughed, bright and bursting as he slapped a hand down on Virgil’s shoulder with a grin. No problem, he said. Emile then made Virgil promise to let him know if getting rid of Dorian went smoothly that night. Virgil smiled and promised, eyes shining and peace in his heart.

Emile asked for one last thing before they parted ways. He told Virgil that Logan, Roman, and him had all moved into new apartments the month after Roman ended their engagement. Dorian didn’t know where they lived anymore. Emile looked at Virgil, a sad smile quirking the edge of his lips. He’d appreciate it if Virgil didn’t tell Dorian they met up, or that Logan contacted him. None of them wanted Dorian to track them down for interfering with his attempts to woo Virgil, and show up on their doorstep to pick a fight.

Virgil shook his head violently. There was no way he’d ever give them up to Dorian. Virgil swore he’d handle it quickly and quietly so that Dorian didn’t feel a need to come after any of them.

Emile grinned, then left.

~

Virgil texted Dorian as soon as he got home.

Hey, can you come over? There’s something I need to talk to you about.

_Yeah, somewhere on campus?_

Outside my apartment is fine.

Virgil sucked in a deep breath. Okay, Virgil. You can do this. In for 4, hold for 7, out for 8. Everything is going to be fine.

Virgil’s hands shook with nerves as he waited for Dorian to arrive. Soon, he could see Dorian coming up the sidewalk towards him. Now or never.

Virgil managed to force his wobbly legs forward a few steps to meet him. Virgil licked his lips and gestured feebly to the back patio.

Dorian followed him quietly. Virgil sucked in a deep breath, composed his face, and turned to face him. Look, he told Dorian. When this whole thing first started, I told you that I didn’t want to date you if I didn’t feel the same. I’ve been thinking a lot about it over the past week and we’ve spent a lot of time together, and I’m sorry but I just don’t like you in that way. Virgil held his breath.

To his eternal relief, Dorian just nodded. Yeah, I thought you were bringing me over here to end things. That’s okay. Hey, I’m glad I got to know you though. Dorian shrugged with a warm smile. Virgil held his tongue.

Dorian turned to go, then stopped and swiveled back to face Virgil, eyes lighting up. Virgil tensed, wary. Dorian shot Virgil his most charming grin and said if he ever need an extra guy for a group date for one of his friends, just text him. He would love to help out.

Virgil forced his expression not to sour. No way in hell was he letting Dorian anywhere near his friends.

Virgil smiled and nodded, careful to keep his body language warm and open to draw off any suspicion until Dorian had faded from sight. Only when he was safely back in his apartment, did Virgil finally let himself rage and rant to his piano everything he’d kept from saying out loud.

~

Epilogue:

Virgil texted Emile the next day, informing him that Dorian had backed out gracefully and there was no need to worry. To his amusement, he received a string of animal and heart emojis in response to rival Patton’s texts to Virgil.

He then texted Logan, thanking him once again for saving him from his own insanity and getting him away from Dorian. Logan politely informed him that Virgil was not insane and that he was just grateful things had worked out so well for him. They texted a few more times and agreed to meet up for coffee at the local cafe next Friday night. Logan was also bringing Roman, who’d been adamantly demanding to meet Virgil to see for himself that Virgil was unharmed. Virgil blushed, but agreed.

The last thing he did was call Patton to tell him what had happened. Patton immediately arrived with a batch of warm cookies and an inordinate amount of blankets and pillows draped all over himself. They flopped on the floor in the midst of the pile. Patton piled Virgil’s plate full of cookies and Virgil told him everything that he had experienced and everything he’d learned from Emile. Patton’s face was grave by the end of it.

Virgil assured Patton that things were okay now. Patton’s eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth to argue but Virgil cut him off, inviting him instead to see for himself and to meet both Logan and Roman. Patton gave Virgil a long, searching look before agreeing and turning both of their attention to Virgil’s pile of Disney movies. Ready and waiting for a night of emotional cleansing after Virgil’s ordeal.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if the ending is crappy. I have a midterm and I ran out of steam.


End file.
